The church-killer
Jesus promised that he would build his church, and the gates of hell would not prevail against it (Matt 16:18). But as Jesus makes clear when he writes to the seven churches in Revelation, that does not mean that every local church is guaranteed to survive forever. In those chapters Jesus mentions several things that might cause a church to lose their "lampstand" (the light of God's presence with them), such as the drift into doctrinal error - meaning the church ends up saying the same as the rest of the world, and thereby ruins their witness; or serious moral failure which compromises a long-running ministry.
But there is a hidden killer which lurks in many of our churches and is poised to kill them. Sadly it wrecks homes and ruins relationships as well. It is the sin of entitlement.
Fatal entitlement at home and church
Like most of the world, we are stuck at home at the moment, and homeschooling our three children. This is often delightful, but also has its own stresses and temptations. In particular, a common phrase heard several times a day - at various pitches and volumes - is the refrain: "but why not?!" We'll have just said no to something - the tenth biscuit of the afternoon, another hour of videogames or TV - and the grumbling starts. From the point of view of the child, it just seems massively unfair - I want this thing, I don't see a particular reason why I shouldn't have it, why can't I just have it?
Now, if we are co-operating with the Holy Spirit at those moments, we use them as an opportunity to sit the child in question down and patiently work through some of those feelings. Normally we say something like, "at the moment you're focused on something you can't have, and you're cross because you're thinking of yourself. But wouldn't it be better if you focused on the things you've already been given? And wouldn't it be better if you thought of other people?" In other words, the child is feeling entitled to something, and is throwing a tantrum because they can't have it.
That happens about 40% of the time. More often, the phrase "but why not?!" is met with us saying crossly: "because you can't, because I said so, now be quiet!" Why are we cross in those times? Because we want our children to be quiet, and well-behaved, and nice, so we can have a quiet, well-behaved, nice household. But because they're not giving us that, we're getting frustrated and angry. In other words, we are feeling entitled to something, and we're throwing a tantrum because we can't have it.
As Jay Kim explains in his book Analog Church, this sense of entitlement - which is at the heart of self-loving sin - is exacerbated by the digital age in which we live. We're used to TV on-demand, to algorithms which give us precisely the content we crave, and every app and website allowing us to set our preferences so they're just the way we like it. Yet this sense of entitlement, once brought into the church, is fatal:
The church has been scarred by this pervasive lie. Many people want their local church to be customised and crafted to fit their specific needs, desires, and preferences... To be sure, thoughtfully and prayerfully searching for the right church is a worthwhile pursuit. But when that church turns into a desperate hunt for our dream church, made up of just the right teaching, just the right music, just the right people and programs, something has gone terribly wrong... As Dietrich Bonhoeffer once wrote, 'Those who love their dream of a Christian community more than the Christian community itself become destroyers of that Christian community even though their personal intentions may be ever so honest, earnest, and sacrificial.'
Jay Kim, Analog Church, 89
The danger here is not in wanting church to be the best it can be, or thoughtfully and humbly suggesting ideas or giving feedback. The danger here is the thought that church ought to be just so. Everything needs to be exactly as we like it, or else we won't join. Or we will join, but we'll do so reluctantly and begrudgingly; we'll be resentful of the way things aren't as we want them, and probably grumble about it to others.
Entitlement drains the joy out of church for everyone. It drains joy from the pastor, who constantly has to put up with people complaining that church isn't to their liking. It drains joy from other, more contented church members, who are vaguely aware that people aren't happy and want them to be. And it drains joy from us, the entitled people, who find ourselves constantly analysing and evaluating the church's teaching or programs against our mental checklist, rather than listening, or participating, or enjoying what God is giving us.
What lurks behind entitlement
Why is entitlement so harmful, at church or at home? It's because of the wrong thinking which lurks behind it.
Behind entitlement lurks a wrong view of self. We assume that the world exists for my benefit; that everything ought to revolve around me and my desires, and if it doesn't fit with what I want then something has gone badly wrong with the universe. Rather than renouncing self-love and growing in awareness of our sinfulness, we insist on things being done our way; as if we really knew what was good for us anyway.
Behind entitlement lurks a wrong view of grace. We forget that everything we have is a gift, and a gift richly undeserved. Before God showered his grace on us in Christ, the only thing that we were entitled to was the judgement of hell. The fact that I have any joy in life, any family to call my own, any church family to gather with, any breath in my body, is a supreme gift of the Father. Jesus paused his return long enough for me to be saved (2 Peter 3:9). Haven't I been given enough without demanding more?
Behind entitlement lurks a wrong view of God. Like Eve in the Garden of Eden, we swallow the serpent's lie that he is stingy and mean - did he really say that you can't have anything nice? Rather than viewing God as ludicrously generous, rather than seeing his abundant provision, we cavil and carp because he hasn't given us our precise wishes.
Behind entitlement lurks a wrong view of others. I did not choose my family, nor my church family (beyond choosing which church to go to). And because I did not choose them, that means they do not exist for me, to give me what I want. Rather, I exist for them. God has given me this family to love, and serve, and protect, and support - to give myself for my wife and to patiently instruct my children. They don't exist to bring me my slippers and pipe so I can lead my life. I exist for them. Similarly, God has given me this church family to love, and teach, and encourage, and exhort, and sing to, and sing with, and care for. They don't exist to give me a warm fuzzy feeling of nice church fellowship. I exist for them. As Tony Payne says:
Church is not about me. It's not about the experience I have or what I get out of it. Church is a classic opportunity to love my brothers and sisters who are there, by seeking to build them up in Christ.
Tony Payne, How To Walk Into Church, 32
In fact, God may deliberately bring people together in church who aren't each other's cup of tea, in order to sanctify us into loving people who are not like us. And who knows? Perhaps he deliberately brings us into churches which don't do things the way we like them, to sanctify us into humble submission and thankfulness for what he has given us.
In Analog Church Jay Kim considers the fact that Simon the Zealot (the man who hated the Romans and waged guerilla warfare against them) and Matthew the tax-collector (the man who worked for the Romans and betrayed his own countrymen) probably weren't immediately best of friends when they were brought into Jesus' nascent church community:
Imagine the dissonance and resentment between them. Imagine the primal urges both men must have felt from time to time... At some point, Simon and Matthew must have looked at each other and thought, I did not choose you. You did not choose me. Yet, here we are.
Jay Kim, Analog Church, 111
Here we are. Things are not how we would like them. But we deserve so little and we have been given so much. So here we are.
Fighting entitlement with joy
How do we fight entitlement, and the grumbling and grumpiness that comes from it? David Gibson, in his excellent treatment of the book of Ecclesiastes, talks about this sense of entitlement:
It is the kind of sin we tolerate and smile at, the kind we indulge as we return to the castle of our home and find it to be not completely to our liking. It is an emotion we cherish in our man caves at the twilight of a day ruined by interruptions and hassles or small children and annoying people. It is an attitude of heart and mind nurtured by the reign of self-pity, and from which the subjects of our self-made kingdom can suffer great harm because they have not treated us as we think we deserve.
David Gibson, Destiny, 136
What is the antidote? The answer Gibson - and Ecclesiastes - gives is: take joy in something. Take time to savour the cup of coffee over breakfast in the morning; look at a flower and notice the colours and the scent; go for a walk and breathe the fresh air. Why? Because that will help us cultivate an attitude of gratitude:
The things to aim at in life is joy... if we do not find joy in the little things of life, we are unlikely to find it in the big things...
When we are not grateful for the little things, it is only a very short step to no longer being grateful for anything. When we do not enjoy and savour and love and laugh and delight in the little things, then we are heading towards losing our delight in anything.
David Gibson, Destiny, 135
It is when we realise we are not entitled to anything at all, then we will treat life - and family - and church - as the wonderful, messy, joyous, imperfect, riotous gift that it truly is, coming from a Father who loves us bountifully and graciously and undeservingly in Christ.
Now, if you'll excuse me (and I'm not making this up), my son has just this minute come into the room, grumpy because he hasn't got something-or-other. So I'm going to take him for a walk, and show him a tree.